Saturday, May 25, 2013

The College Story: Part Six

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!
Thank you to all of our brave service men and women
who have sacrificed so much to secure our freedom.
You are all heroes to me.
THANK YOU.

To continue my College Story...

When I say "I walked away from X-ray",
I mean "I walked away from X-ray".
I couldn't talk about it.
I couldn't think about it.
I hid my scrubs in the back of my closet where I was less likely to see them.
I hid my textbooks on the top shelf of my closet.
I wanted to avoid anything and everything that reminded me of X-Ray.
I was ashamed of my failure.
Devastated and ashamed.

People would tell me that I had nothing to be ashamed of;
that these things happened sometimes.
And they were right.
But it didn't really get through my thick skull.
I had been knocked down HARD by this.
I felt rattled in my innermost parts.
Not about everything.
The SERIOUS things, I still had a firm hold on:
I was a child of God.
He still had Great Plans for me.
He still loved me and would never stop.
I still had talents and abilities to be proud of.

 Other things...were not so clear.
X-Ray had been my Path to Independence.
With a career in Medical Imaging,
I was going to be able to support myself 100%
Being a single girl,
I was attempting to make the responsible choice
of a good career just in case I never married.
(We single girls have to think like this at times...)
That feeling of security was gone.
I didn't know what the next step should be.

After the initial phone discussion with my instructor,
I had another conversation with her a few days later.
She gave me three options:
I could walk away from X-Ray and not look back
(I have to admit, I was seriously considering this one...),
I could re-apply for the X-Ray Program and start from the beginning
(yeah right...with all my hundreds of thousands of dollars I have just lying around? 
Sorry, I'm a little bitter about that one...),
or in the following January (2013), I could attempt to "test back into"
the X-Ray Physics class I had failed 
and simply pick back up where I left off if I passed the exam.
I had a decision to make.
How long will you WAIVER between two opinions?

I (again) sought counsel from my church leaders.
This time, I met with my former High School (NLCA) principle and his wife
(who better to help me with educational issues 
than the people who supervised my entire pre-college education?)
I laid the options before them
and they asked me one question:
"What do you want to do?"
That was the problem: I didn't know what I wanted.
I wanted to put the shame behind me and completely forget about X-ray.
I wanted to try again and pass and overcome the obstacles 
and have a great career in Medical Imaging.
I was completely exhausted and wanted to take a break.
I wanted everything...and nothing.

Honestly, I'm not sure we actually accomplished anything in that meeting 
(meaning, I don't think I reached a decision that day)
but I did leave there feeling better.
Interesting how God uses the authorities in your life 
to comfort you even in the midst of an ocean of confusion
(yeah, I really think He does stuff like that).
In the end, I made the decision to try to test back into the class I had failed.
I couldn't take the test until the end of January 2013
and this was August 2012.
I suppose it was a good thing that I had so much time
because I didn't buckle down and start studying for a while.
I still couldn't look at my textbooks.
I was still ashamed.
And I was hiding.

Last fall passed in a blur.
And I literally mean A BLUR.
My church was planning a HUGE Children's Musical for Christmas
and guess who the assistant director was?
(Yeah, sometimes I questioned their choice...)
In a way, I needed it.
I needed something to focus my attention on.
Something I could throw myself into.
And I did.
During the "putting together" of the production,
my cousin, Adina, who was Head Director of the musical said,
"I'm really glad you don't have to worry about homework right now."
Her words unintentionally stung a bit
(I would've rather been preoccupied with X-Ray school than directing a musical),
but at the same time, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
 It took some time, 
but I was eventually able to reach the conclusion 
that I was exactly where I needed to be.

I had a similar REVELATION at work.
My boss was completely thrilled when I informed her that I could come back full-time.
She was sorry that school hadn't worked out the way I wanted it to,
but she was BEYOND HAPPY that I was once again at her disposal.
She immediately offered me the Site Coordinator at Concordia Lutheran School
which I accepted without hesitation.
I will never forget (again, thanks to Facebook's awesome memory) 
what I felt when I stood in my classroom 
at Concordia at the beginning of the school year.
OVERWHELMED.
 I posted on my Facebook:
"This is a life curve I wasn't expecting...
but now that we are here I'm gonna try to make the most of it 
and give God all the glory He deserves 
regardless of what I'm feeling at the moment.
Let's get this school year started off right! 
Lord, to You be the Glory..."
My Classroom

So, I got through the fall and Christmas.
Christmas was a story all its own that I am NOT up to telling at this point.
Maybe someday...
With Christmas behind me, I threw myself into studying
for my "Re-entry to X-Ray" Exam.
It was still difficult to look at my textbooks, 
but I knew I had to get over that
so I just pushed through it
(with His help of course...).
This where my story gets weird again...
I had failed the PHYSICS portion of Radiography.
Obviously, THAT was my problem area.
However, when I studying for my re-entry exam,
the physics made the most sense.
After only a short amount of time reviewing,
I was confident I knew what I was doing.
This was not the case for the Anatomy and Physiology portion
(which was the portion I had actually passed).
Yeah, I was confusing myself...
Therefore, I spent most my study time reviewing Anatomy and Physiology.

I was scheduled to take my test at noon on January 30th
in my instructor's office...with her in there
...and me just "borrowing" a corner of her desk
...which I thought was weird...Anyway...
 The night before, I had text several close friends and family and asked for prayers.
I was nervous, of course, but not overly so.
God had REALLY given me peace that day.
The test was 100 multiple choice questions.
I pretty much breezed through the first 50.
(They were all Anatomy and Physiology...the portion I had studied my brains out for...)
The second half (the physics portion) was more difficult but not awful.
When I was finished, I handed the exam to my instructor
and she proceeded to grade it right in front of me
 During and after the exam,
I felt like I was going to pass.
I had a peace that I had done my best and that everything was going to work out.
And by that I mean, that I was going to get back into Radiography
and be able to complete what I had started.
That's not what happened.

To be continued...