Monday, February 3, 2014

A Journey of Self-Discovery with Jesus...{I Was A People-Pleaser}

Life is so weird sometimes.
Random...startling...karmic...and weird.
(Just for the record, I do not believe karma...
I do, however, believe that we make our own decisions in this life
and therefore, must take the consequences that come with those decisions.)

I made a statement on this blog recently
(No, I'm not going to point out which one).
It was a bold that I do not regret making.
But something happened yesterday that seems a bit karmic
in relation to that statement.
(Am I making any sense at all here?)

As I just said, I do not regret making the statement.
Yesterday's event does not change the accuracy of my statement
nor my feelings about it.
However, I am having this almost "guilty" reaction
to the event and the statement. 
I'm feeling like maybe I should feel guilty
about making the statement
but in reality I do not.
(Yes, I know this post is beyond complicated...
and yes, I do feel like I'm rambling a bit...but oh well!)
What I said was the truth
and, to my knowledge, the statement did not hurt anyone.
In my past life, I have cared A LOT about what people think of me.
And I mean a significant LOT.
As a teenager, I felt that I was "defined" by always wearing long skirts
that completed covered my legs down to my ankle.
Therefore, I would refuse to wear anything shorter 
because I was afraid of what people would say.
As a child, I wore the glasses my mother liked
instead of the ones I really wanted 
because I wanted to please her.
My entire mission in life was to please people.
I didn't like to have anyone frowning at me.
And if someone's opinion differed from mine,
I would lie and say that their opinion was what I believed
just to make sure I stayed on their "good side".
That's just who I was.

I'm proud to say, that is no longer the case.
Hi my name is Sarah and I'm a recovering People-Pleaser.

If something like this
(making a bold statement and then having it turn on me)
had occurred during those People-Pleasing years,
I probably would have been sick to my stomach
and would've deleted the statement from my blog post
as soon as possible.
And, to be honest, I was tempted to do exactly that.
But I've decided I'm not going to.
As I previously mentioned,
to my knowledge, the statement didn't hurt anyone.
Therefore, I have nothing to be sorry for.
(This may seem pretty basic to you,
but it's actually a pretty big step for an ex-People-Please such as myself.)

Honestly, these kind of "self-revelations" exhaust me.

I've beyond grateful that I'm having them.
I'm grateful that my stack 
of insecurities is a getting smaller.
But self-discovery is tiring.
Doing the hard work that comes with self-examination,
can deplete you.
That's kind of how I'm feeling right now: Depleted.
(That's another sign that I'm getting beyond being a People-Pleaser...
I never would have admitted that something was wrong before...
I was always "fine".)

But I know where to go to find strength.
Lol...okay, so when I'm depleted I turn to food too...
But Jesus was the One I was actually referring to.
Jesus, while being Wholly Divine, was a human too.
"He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant
and are going astray,
since he himself is subject to weakness."
(Hebrews 5:2)
 "Therefore, it was necessary for him to be made in every respect like us,
his brothers and sisters, so that he could be our merciful
and faithful High Priest before God."
(Hebrews 2:17)

Jesus knows and understands what we go through.
Whether it be consequences of our own actions
like I mentioned earlier,
or something completely out of the blue
that we didn't deserve on any level.
 And, He's sending me some help:
""Behold, I am going to send an angel before you 
to guard you along the way 
and to bring you into the place which I have prepared."
(Exodus 23:20)

I don't know about you,
but that fact helps me.
It tells me I'm not alone in this.
Someone else has gone through it
and survived...and even THRIVED.
I'm gonna make it too.
And, ultimately, this journey of self-discovery
is for my good.
And for the good of those I affect.

I'm going to continue on this Journey with Jesus.
I choose to.
There's a reason for this.
I trust Him.
Yes, this Journey has many times left me questioning.

But I trust Him.
He's got a purpose in mind for me.
So, for now, I'm going to enjoy this messy process.
(Yes, I said "ENJOY")
I think there's beauty to found in everything
if we just look for it.

 Have you had any self-revelations lately?
I would love to hear about them.

Thank you for visiting.
Come back soon!

P.S. Can you tell I'm LOVING my PicLab app on my iphone?
I use it on ALL of my instagram photos :).